A Lesson in Defeat

When I woke up this morning I immediately started crying.  I wasn’t expecting to.  I wasn’t even sure why.  It continued for an hour.  And I’m not just talking about a couple of tears and some sniffles.

It was one of those cries where you think you’ve got it all pulled together and something else comes through your mind and you start ALL OVER AGAIN.

Bryan would probably say it was a “special blend of crazy” I had going on this morning (we just watched Billy Gardell last night – so funny!).  And I probably wouldn’t argue.

By the time I started thinking through some of this I was feeling completely, utterly defeated.  Getting used to our new schedule has been hard- and even though it’s only been 3 days it felt like an ETERNITY this morning.

I’m still in the same place.  I’m not doing anything new.  I pretty much figured my day was going to suck.  I felt like I hadn’t had more than a 15 minute conversation since Sunday evening.  So far this week I had not been settled at home (meaning relaxed and able to enjoy something) for more than an hour at a time.  And this morning I was just done.

I was stressed out about getting things done.  I felt completely detached from blogging, from the etsy shop, from all the awesome things being planned for the next 6 weeks.

I was ready to come to terms with the fact that the odds of the shop, or any of these pursuits, actually being enough to replace my full time income were ridiculously small.  I thought, why stress myself out trying to do all this in the already limited free time I have?  Maybe it isn’t worth it?  Maybe I would just stop “obsessing” and move on.

And then I started to cry harder.

My biggest achievement today?  Making it through the day without breaking down.

Once I got on a roll, I actually started to FEEL BETTER.  Finally, on my drive home, I started to dream and imagine again.  The bottom almost fell back out when Bryan called to tell me he was running behind.  Behind on an evening that would already have it’s fair share of running around. again.  I wanted to scream for a second.  I freaked out in my mind a little and went into the kitchen.  Then I saw the bag from Teavata sitting on the counter.

I was going to have a cup of tea.  I went into the basement and started digging through cardboard boxes full of Styrofoam peanuts that contained my Mom’s old cup and saucer collection.  I dug out my favorite one, heated up some water and came back to the office.  Aaahh….

Well, no.  Not quite.  Either my tea ball sucks or I don’t know how to use it right.  I’m not sure if I used enough tea.  In the end, it’s luke warm water with leaves floating in it.  In a pretty cup.  So I’m going to go get a glass of wine….and feel better again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

About Mama's a Mess

Who am I and what am I doing here? Well, at the end of the day I'm a mother and a wife, a lover of classic monster movies and comic books, of music, TV and movies. I'm a sucker for pop culture. I'm a fangirl. I'm an artist. As my husband always puts it, "Baby, you're a mess!" I have a penchant for creating and collecting. I feed my brain with a mix of anything from hot rods and pin-ups to handmade and natural. I like to dig in the dirt and grow things but sometimes picture myself doing it like Donna Reed. I will always, always choose to wear a dress first. I am head over heels in love with my husband and have a fantastically crazy life with him. Follow all our adventures and musings on our blog at https://blakow.wordpress.com. Twitter: @mamasamess Pinterest & Polyvore: mamasamess
This entry was posted in Mama's a Mess and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s