Three Years Past (who would have known)

Three years ago I woke up and found my boyfriend of 10 years dead on the couch.  He had a heart attack.  It was March 31st and he was 36.  It was the worst experience of my life.  I don’t talk about it often anymore – I’ve healed and am living an amazing life which I’m so, so, thankful for.  But it’s a big part of what happened next…

I was 31 years old and, for all intents and purposes, a widow.  I had no idea what came next.  I had an awesome support system, though, of close friends and extended friends.  Admittedly, through so many sleepless nights, Facebook was my saving grace.  I would be online all night looking for someone to talk with, to pass the time and just keep moving forward.  Bryan was one of the most important parts of that, whether he knew it or not at the time.

If you’ve followed along you know he found me on Facebook after 15 years.  It actually happened in January 2009.  I avoided him like the plague.  I had to – I was in a relationship.  “Maybe I could just meet him for coffee, see how’s he’s been,” I would say.  But I knew I absolutely could not.  Bryan wasn’t the person I could just meet for coffee.  He was the person who I had never stopped thinking of over those 15 years.  He was the one that got away.

So here I was now, suddenly with a fresh start.  I needed to start moving forward quickly.  I had an 11-year-old who needed his mother to be strong.  I couldn’t just sit by.  I closed that current chapter of my life abruptly to the surprise of many people.  I know a lot of people hated me for it.  It’s just how I had to handle things.

One night, not too far off, I did what no one wanted me to do and I called the one person who had given me the most hope for a new start over those intense days.  The one person everyone warned me not to because they KNEW it would be all over – my chance to be single, to have fun, to blah, blah, blah.  What they didn’t know was what a good thing that would actually be.

I haven’t looked back since.

So, this morning when I woke up feeling kinda lame – my hair was a mess, my glasses still on and I was lost wandering around the house  (I’m on vacation for a couple of days and Bryan had to go to work.  It sucks. This whole being apart thing shouldn’t be so difficult – we have to work after all.  Our life, though, has it’s own rhythm which no longer accounts well for large gaps in the playlist.  And I’m feeling a little old and melancholy and I just want him back home.  And yes, I am well aware of how ridiculous this is – we recognize that.  there’s nothing we can do about it, though, sorry.)  – I realized what the day was.  And it made me smile and reset.

Happy unofficial anniversary of the first time we saw each other after 15 years, baby!  I love you more than I can ever begin to describe.


About Mama's a Mess

Who am I and what am I doing here? Well, at the end of the day I'm a mother and a wife, a lover of classic monster movies and comic books, of music, TV and movies. I'm a sucker for pop culture. I'm a fangirl. I'm an artist. As my husband always puts it, "Baby, you're a mess!" I have a penchant for creating and collecting. I feed my brain with a mix of anything from hot rods and pin-ups to handmade and natural. I like to dig in the dirt and grow things but sometimes picture myself doing it like Donna Reed. I will always, always choose to wear a dress first. I am head over heels in love with my husband and have a fantastically crazy life with him. Follow all our adventures and musings on our blog at Twitter: @mamasamess Pinterest & Polyvore: mamasamess
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3 Responses to Three Years Past (who would have known)

  1. 1oddpapa says:

    I love you too, baby, but you’re 11 days too early.

    • mamasamess says:

      now you’re just making stuff up…I thought we always used to argue between April 9 and April 16? Where did April 20 come from?

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