Operation Stopfeedingthefuckingdeer seems to be a troublesome mission. My neighbor found info from the state that basically says if you have a problem with deer eating your garden, the state will issue you tags to hunt them on your property and it overrides the municipality. The problem with this is that the mayor told my neighbor that he must sign off on it and he refuses to do so. His reason being that for every person that wants to kill the deer, there is a fucking PETA-minded hippie that will complain to the contrary. He said he doesn’t want to get involved in disputes like that (after all, he might need those votes in the future, so it doesn’t matter what his own personal opinion is. Fucking spineless). So, needless to say, we are still in a stalemate with getting this shit taken care of. The mayor has agreed to have the local animal control officer come talk to the neighbor that has been feeding the deer. I plan to document when this happens and videotape the bastards feeding the deer afterward (because I’m sure they won’t stop) and then it will be a matter of giving them a last chance to stop the bullshit before I hand the video over to the animal control officer to fine them if they don’t stop. Yes, I realize this will only make things worse for awhile because the deer will still be hungry and will have more room to fill in their bellies when they find the neighbors haven’t set their buffet for them, but if we keep reinforcing the idea to these rodents that this is no longer a feeding trail and they are not welcome here, eventually, they will seek food elsewhere. Or maybe in the meantime, some sort of actual deer population control will come to fruition. Or maybe I will just post my ass up in the tree house with a paintball gun and start painting their fucking eyes closed with pink spots until they get the hint. Another option might be for me to find a crossbow & a tree stand on Craigslist and perch myself in the woods on occasion. Every problem has a solution. I will always try the legal & diplomatic approach first, but when the hippies start crying and everyone tries to make them happy, the problem still needs resolved. I am not the kind of person to legislate shit to death. I am a problem solver.
*note*: I first drafted this post about a week ago and just forgot to tag & post it. Going back and reading it back to myself, I feel like a total fucking snitch. I know that’s just the way these things have to happen, but goddamn, I kinda miss how we used to do things when I was younger & didn’t have kids. Sometimes I miss the adrenaline rush of going and getting into someone’s shit about *insert random stupid argument here*. I wish I could just handle this old school – stop your bullshit or I’ll come over there and beat on your face for a little while and please, please, pleeeease be a stubborn motherfucker ’cause I’ve been drinking and I’ve been holding some shit in for a few weeks.
But no, life isn’t like that anymore. I have to be diplomatic and talk about things and actually try to get the “authorities” to handle these things …only to find out they are just trying to play the campaign game. I need to just start my own little mafia or something. A group of guys that will help each other out and not say shit when someone starts snooping around. “What’s that? Deer have been disappearing in the area and one of their heads was left on my neighbor’s feeding station? How awful, Ossifer. Don’t worry, If I hear anything, you’ll be the first one I call. Thank you for your card. Goodbye” … “Baby! Are you checking the venison on the grill?”
I guess I don’t have much to complain about. A few years ago, I was more concerned with a gun fight erupting while I walked my kid to the corner store. Or having to be in the house by midnight on July 4th because that’s when people start running out of fireworks and start shooting their pistols into the air with no concern of where those bullets will fall. When my stress consists mainly of controlling the local wildlife, I know I have found myself in a better place.