I have 30 minutes….let me splay open my heart on this page.

The next 30 minutes appear to be, inevitably, the only that I have available in what started out as a day full of catch-up and opportunity. I should be eating lunch.  I should be putting dinner in the crock pot like I remembered an hour ago.  My computer is slow and I’m afraid the external drive that we keep EVERYTHING on may have a problem.  Instead, here I sit, unedited (complete with I’m sure all sorts of grammar errors Bryan will point out to me later) WordPress at the ready to break the dry spell that has been the last few weeks for me, again.

What’s going on?  Too much for any one person if you ask me.  I have a job offer on the table that sometimes I still don’t believe I’ve quite convinced my self I’m happy about.  We’ve wrapped a court battle that cost the equivalent of one of our cars.  We have primary residential custody of my stepdaughter now officially!!  We’re a houseful with old debt, unjust child support payments, unreceived child support payments, and we have to stop and think way too many times about little financial “things”.  I’m selling jewelry again – and already struggling to keep up with orders. I simultaneously feel like we have all the time and opportunity in the world and no time or opportunity.  We spend HOURS some nights on homework.  And even though the last two nights have been fantastic on the school front, we still haven’t managed to get it all done and have dinner cleaned up before 7:00PM.

Do I feel bad?  Not exactly.  I feel stuck – frozen.  Here’s what I know:

– I want to get our life organized.  I want the clutter out, the bullshit out and I want my head cleared of everything I’ve been carrying around for the last 12 months.

– I’m excited to organize things.  I’m a virgo – it’s what I do.

– I want to cry for absolutely no reason.  Partially I believe because I watched the latest episode of Parenthood early this morning and partially because my body needs it, like a good bleeding from time to time.

– I am not by any means unhappy.  Overwhelmed, maybe.  Discontent – yes, a lot when it comes to work and everything else I have to do.

– I am going to start a time study so that I can figure out where the hell all my days go.  I’m not sure I want to know the answers because of so many things that are out of my control.

– I want to read.  A LOT.

– I miss my husband immensely from the moment he walks out the door to the moment he comes back at the end of the day and really, even, until we put all the kids to bed and have a minute to really talk.

Could all of this be coming from a place where I a) did not have any coffee today and b)have not yet taken my fish oil tablets after 4 days straight?  I don’t really know.

I do know that I suddenly feel a little better.  And I still have 20 minutes left! Now, let’s see if I can get dinner going, eat and switch the laundry before I have to clock back in. Ugh….I hate being a downer.

updated to note:  thanks to my computer I have now lost almost all my extra time, missed the lunch call from Bryan and lost any of the good feelings I was entering back into the day with.


About Mama's a Mess

Who am I and what am I doing here? Well, at the end of the day I'm a mother and a wife, a lover of classic monster movies and comic books, of music, TV and movies. I'm a sucker for pop culture. I'm a fangirl. I'm an artist. As my husband always puts it, "Baby, you're a mess!" I have a penchant for creating and collecting. I feed my brain with a mix of anything from hot rods and pin-ups to handmade and natural. I like to dig in the dirt and grow things but sometimes picture myself doing it like Donna Reed. I will always, always choose to wear a dress first. I am head over heels in love with my husband and have a fantastically crazy life with him. Follow all our adventures and musings on our blog at https://blakow.wordpress.com. Twitter: @mamasamess Pinterest & Polyvore: mamasamess
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